ARCHIVE: Wayne’s World #3

He’s a Frighteningly Sad Southern Tosser

Have you seen those adverts on television for shampoo? The one where the really, really good looking girl shakes her head and her hair is really shiny and dry? I’d love to know how she makes her hair look like that. Mine is really greasy. I wash it at least once a week and sometimes I even do it twice. I’ve bought myself some posh shampoo for £1.49, but it isn’t making any difference. I’d go to the barbers and have it done in a really good style but I’m scared they’ll just laugh at me and say I’ve got the worst hair they’ve ever seen. Instead, my mum cuts my hair. She says some people have naturally greasy hair and that people won’t think any the worse of me just because my hair doesn’t look nice. My Uncle Bob said: “You’re horrible, sweat and gunge oozes from every pore in your body.” I hate him.

One day I got up in the morning and put my hair into a really nice style using water from the sink. When I got to work everybody said it looked really smart. I was the centre of attention. Then all the water dried because it gets really warm in McDonalds. All the other staff just laughed at me.

Maybe I should have my head shaved and be bald, a bit like Jaap Stam. He’s not my favourite player. But he plays for Man U. They’re great. My favourite is David Beckham. He’s so cool and he’s got really nice hair and all the girls fancy him. Everybody picked on him after the World Cup. He didn’t mean to do it. It’s because they’re all just jealous of Man U. Posh Spice is his girlfriend and she’s my favourite Spice Girl. His nickname is Becks. I know all the players nicknames because I’m learning them from a magazine somebody left in McDonalds. Soon I hope to be able to match their faces with their names. It helps they wear their names on their shirts, but you can only see them properly when there is a close up on TV.

Please keep in touch I haven’t got many friends.

WAYNE KERR (MUFC)

First appeared in White Love issue 26, January 1999